From the creator of the Furry Basketball Association

The Second Pig War: Scene 1

Written by Carrizo

Gagnon has traveled by train across the American border hundreds of times, and it's all been quite rote. Until today. In his first trip since the new President's anti-immigration orders, the unlucky moose encounters an American pig immigrations officer all too ready to enforce the new laws as he sees fit.
WALL: Loves his job way too much. Had tried to get a position as an immigrations officer but could never get the job because he was considered too 'passionate'. (Shorthand for crazy.) But now with the new laws in place and a demand for aggressive agents, he's found his little slice of heaven.
GAGNON: Likes life quiet and simple. Tries to treat everyone with respect and expects the same from everyone, which is why he falls apart so quickly when he's attacked.
WALL: Oh, here we go. [INTO RADIO] Station 4. Got one. Need backup.
GAGNON: [PAUSE] Is something wrong?
WALL: Sir, just please, relax. Try to stay calm. Just do what I tell you, and no one will get hurt. Now just hand me your passport. Slowly.
GAGNON: I am calm.
WALL: [LOOKS AT PASSPORT] Mr. Gag-Non, are you seeking asylum in the United States?
GAGNON: Gagnon. And no, I work there.
WALL: What kind of physician are you?
GAGNON: What? Physician? I’m not a physician.
WALL: Well, you’re certainly not a hat, either, sir. Is this passport some kind of joke?
GAGNON: [PAUSE] That’s not my job. That’s where I live.
WALL: You live in a hat.
GAGNON: It’s a city. In Alberta.
WALL: Al Berta?
GAGNON: Without the pause.
WALL: Is that at all affiliated with Al Qaeda?
GAGNON: [LONG PAUSE] No. I told you, I work in the States. I make this trip all the time. How could such a hoser pig be working the border?
WALL: [INTO RADIO] Subject is becoming hostile. [TO GAGNON] Sir, new immigration policies in the United States have required the hiring of additional personnel. We take pride in being the last line of defense against potentially dangerous foreign nationals.
GAGNON: I’m a moose! I’m only dangerous if you hit me with a car!
WALL: If you’re not a physician, what business are you in, sir?
GAGNON: Oil. [PAUSE] Energy!
WALL: All right, Shiek Gag-Non, please step out of line.
GAGNON: Gagnon! Look, I’m a Canadian citizen. I have a visa to work in the States. Why are you hassling me like this?
WALL: New executive orders from the President, sir. Your kind are no longer welcome into our country.
GAGNON: What do you mean, “my kind”? Canadians?
WALL: Moose and lambs.
WALL: There is a 120 day ban on any moose/lambs entering our country. Please step over here.
GAGNON: Wait a minute. You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you serious?
WALL: Please enter the interrogation room.
GAGNON: I can’t fit in there.
WALL: Then we’ll do it here.
GAGNON: Do what?

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1 comment

  1. Moose and lambs...I see what you guys did there...

    Kami Sat, 13 May 2017

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