Dialogues

The Second Pig War

Scene 1
Megaplex | 2017
Gunner Negaly
Wall
Senali
Gagnon
Artwork by Rhandi Fisher
Project Premise

Screwball Comedy
Roger Gagnon is a humble Canadian moose happily supporting his wife and two calves with a good job selling oil equipment over the border. But when the United States elects a brash, unstable, immigrant-hating pig as their next President, things rapidly change. Now a simple business trip will turn into a insane, politically-fueled war between the richest nation on Earth and one lone moose just trying to get back to his family.
Scene Description

Gagnon has traveled by train across the American border hundreds of times, and it's all been quite rote. Until today. In his first trip since the new President's anti-immigration orders, the unlucky moose encounters an American pig immigrations officer all too ready to enforce the new laws as he sees fit.
                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        Oh, here we go. [INTO RADIO] Station 4. Got one. Need backup.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        [PAUSE] Is something wrong?                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        Sir, just please, relax. Try to stay calm. Just do what I tell you, and no one will get hurt. Now just hand me your passport. Slowly.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        I am calm.                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        [LOOKS AT PASSPORT] Mr. Gag-Non, are you seeking asylum in the United States?                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        Gagnon. And no, I work there.                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        What kind of physician are you?                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        What? Physician? I’m not a physician.                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        Well, you’re certainly not a hat, either, sir. Is this passport some kind of joke?                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        [PAUSE] That’s not my job. That’s where I live.                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        You live in a hat.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        It’s a city. In Alberta.                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        Al Berta?                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        Without the pause.                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        Is that at all affiliated with Al Qaeda?                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        [LONG PAUSE] No. I told you, I work in the States. I make this trip all the time. How could such a hoser pig be working the border?                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        [INTO RADIO] Subject is becoming hostile. [TO GAGNON] Sir, new immigration policies in the United States have required the hiring of additional personnel. We take pride in being the last line of defense against potentially dangerous foreign nationals.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        I’m a moose! I’m only dangerous if you hit me with a car!                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        If you’re not a physician, what business are you in, sir?                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        Oil. [PAUSE] Energy!                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        All right, Shiek Gag-Non, please step out of line.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        Gagnon! Look, I’m a Canadian citizen. I have a visa to work in the States. Why are you hassling me like this?                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        New executive orders from the President, sir. Your kind are no longer welcome into our country.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        What do you mean, “my kind”? Canadians?                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        Moose and lambs.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        What?                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        There is a 120 day ban on any moose/lambs entering our country. Please step over here.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        Wait a minute. You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you serious?                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        Please enter the interrogation room.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        I can’t fit in there.                                                    

                                                        Wall                                                    

                                                        Then we’ll do it here.                                                    

                                                        Gagnon                                                    

                                                        Do what?                                                    

                                                        SFX                                                    

                                                        [RUBBER GLOVE SNAPPING]
Showing 1-1 of 1 dialogue recordings

The Second Pig War
