Surka
Halt! Who goes there? [LONG PAUSE] Down here.
Surka
Very good! I’m the troll of this here bridge.
Surka
Correct! Lady Surka, warrior shrew, at your service!
Digger
But you just said you were a troll.
Surka
Indeed! The fiercest troll in the empire, I am!
Digger
[PAUSE] But you’re a shrew.
Digger
Shrews aren’t trolls. Trolls are supposed to be huge and lumpy. And eat goats or something.
Surka
Listen, smartass, have you ever seen a troll?
Digger
Well, not as such, no.
Surka
Then how the hell do you know what one looks like? Somebody died and made you an expert on the habits of trolls?
Surka
You know any reason why an honest shrew can’t be a bloody great troll on the side?
Digger
I suppose when you put it like that, no. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have questioned your trollhood. So tell me, as a troll, what would you require to let me pass?
Surka
You got any billy goats?
Surka
Spot of lunch, then, maybe?
Digger
I think we can manage that.
SFX
[PULLING OUT SANDWICH AND HANDING IT TO SURKA]
Digger
So, Surka, how long have you been a troll?
Surka
About three months. Before that, I was a dishwasher, and before that, an assassin. And before that, I was a pirate queen!
Digger
You were a pirate queen?
Surka
Oh, aye, Captain of the Rotting Dogs, the finest crew of leper pirates to ever terrorize the high seas!
Surka
Aye! Got so merchants would hand over their stuff without a fight, so long as we promised not to touch them.
Digger
You don’t look leprous.
Surka
I’m not. They wanted a captain who wouldn’t fall apart under pressure!
Digger
[LONG PAUSE] Please tell me that you were never a comedian.